Students Decide Sex Can Wait
Smart sex is protected sex, or so says Jennifer Roback Morse, Ph.D, author of “Smart Sex,” who challenges her readers to move beyond protection from STDs and pregnancy and to think in terms of protecting the whole person. And, this means abstinence until marriage.
“We have the idea that sex is a recreational activity with no moral or social significance, and this is simply untrue,” Roback-Morse said.
People tend to attach themselves to their sex partners, she said, despite claims of not wanting to be involved. After a break-up of a sex filled relationship, women would feel hurt and shut themselves down to avoid the pain in the future.
According to Roback-Morse, this is not just a religious ideal: It is rooted in human biology and psychology.
“Studies have found that having multiple sex partners puts teenaged girls at risk for depression,” Roback-Morse said. “It also helps explain why having multiple sex partners increases the risks of divorce: people learn things during their pre-marital years (namely, holding back and making themselves invulnerable) that they must unlearn to have a happy married sex life, where you want to let go and give yourself completely and be vulnerable to your partner.”
This idea of attachment is part of the reason Bethany Nesbitt, Overland Park senior, decided to wait until she is married to have sex.
“I know that God designed sex to be between a husband and wife because of the many consequences that it can cause, not just the material consequences such as STDs, but also the emotional ties and the bonds that are created,” Nesbitt said. “I think that too many teens and young adults aren’t mature enough to handle the bonds that are created. When you’re married, it would be so much more secure and so much more appropriate and satisfying.”
Nesbitt said her initial reasons for waiting stemmed from her faith, but growing up she saw the emotional distress put on her sexually active friends and that helped her secure her decision that abstinence is the best course. She said that because of the sexualized culture, people were often shocked that she was waiting. She said people tell her she was cheating herself out of enjoying something, but Nesbitt disagreed and believed a reason for waiting was to not cheat herself or her future husband.
“It is difficult to wait because I know it will be something I enjoy,” Nesbitt said. “But I think that love can wait. I will truly love my husband and I want to wait for him. True love can wait, no matter how patient I have to be.”
Sam Weinstein, Overland Park senior, said choosing to wait until marriage meant battling temptation. At a young age he was taught abstinence, but for a long time he felt like he was missing out on something. Weinstein said he didn’t feel that way anymore. Coming to the decision on his own helped him stay abstinent. It was just a matter of making the decision his own, he said, because when he felt strongly about something, there was a lot of peace of mind that came with it.
“It’s easy to assume that someone who is not sexually active has no sexual drive. That is false, a dudes a dude,” Weinstein said. “Very bluntly, there have been many situations where I could have had sex. There are times when that is a temptation. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to control myself up to this point in time.”
Weinstein said he was very thankful he has controlled himself, because he would have lost a lot of great relationships if they had become sexual. He said that no matter how you approach the situation, there is a bond that was formed between people when they have sex, intended or unintended.
“I have a lot of really great relationships with some really great girls,” Weinstein said. “They’ve remained good over a long period of time where they very easily could have gotten confusing because of sexual relationships.”
Lauren Cunningham, Overland Park senior, said she wanted her marriage to be based on a deep friendship. She said there were religious reasons, but the logic behind waiting was non-religious. She said part of the reason she wanted to wait to have sex was because she wanted the man she married to respect and value her for more than just her sexuality. Cunningham said sex before marriage would cause the relationship to be based on the physical. She said it’s a matter of gaining respect from the men she dated and the man she would marry.
“I know when I date someone, they will be respectful of me,” Cunningham said. “I don’t think girls hold guys to high enough standards. Guys get a lot of crap about being crude, but when girls let guys run all over them, it’s their fault too. If we hold guys to higher standards, they’ll live up to that.”
Roback-Morse said that whether protection — “smart sex” — should involve condoms or waiting until marriage depends on what would bring human beings happiness and fulfillment in the long run. If sex was merely a consumer good, it could be consumed the way one consumes a Big Mac. Roback-Morse said that studies showed that humans weren’t made this way. People’s ultimate happiness, she said, depends upon committed life-long relationships and consumer sex damages our ability to form these healthy bonds.
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