Friday's Oprah Show (4/6/2007)
Reviewed by Diane Sollee founder/director of the Smart Marriage Conferences

I'm baffled. We all realize Oprah's incredible power and influence and if you watch the show you know that she cares deeply about girls and women and, really, about all living things. We know that the last thing she'd want to do is present information that would do damage -in the short or long run.

We also know she has a huge staff - and they must have every resource and access to vast information. That's why Friday's (4/6/07) show leaves me totally baffled.

They used a new format. Oprah sat on stage alone and discussed "news" items with the audience. The item that generated the most discussion was the stat taken from the Jan 07 NY Time's article and flashed onscreen as a talking point: "51% of Women Single". Oprah explained that in America single women now outnumber married women for the first time ever. No correction or explanation about how these numbers were calculated or that this info has since been corrected, even bythe NY Times - that the author came up with the 51% which was defined as women "living alone" and included women whose husbands were working out of state or out of the country; deployed to Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea or elsewhere; or in prison. It also didn't explain that the 51% included 10 million little girls "15, 16, 17...." andwomen who had outlived their husbands and are now "living alone" but after long marriages.

It was presented on Oprah as though 51% of women aren't marrying. An audience member expressed concern saying that she thought marriage was important for the community and for children and concerned that due to celebrity marriages and devaluing marriage, this trend might grow. Oprah said she wasn't concerned, said she saw the trend as "evolution".

Oprah next introduced a 39-year old audience member and in her intro explained how happy this women was in her single state - how much she was enjoying her single life, dating, and sex. The women then absolutely glowed and quivered as she talked about how wonderful her life was - that she could do whatever she wanted. This was greeted with beaming and applause. No mention of the fact that over 90% of our daughters still say it is their goal to marry and have children. No one asked this woman how she felt about never having children.

Then another "new" stat was flashed on screen: "70% of Black Women are Single". Oprah expressed amazement: "Who Knew??!". Much discussion ensued with Oprah's strong advice/solution being that because of the huge disparity between the numbers of Black women and available Black men, Black women must not be waiting around to marry a Black man. That was the root of the problem. She said she's been preaching this to all her girlfriends, like Gayle for years - that they have to 'get real' and be willing to marry non-Black men. An agitated Black women in the audience explained that she was very happily married to a Black man, and exhorted Black mothers to raise marriageable Black sons, and then introduced her 33 year old brother who was sitting beside her, whom she said was very marriageable.

Another woman stood up to express her concern that the discussion was disparaging marriage and said how wonderful her marriage was and how important it was to her happiness. Oprah allowed that, yes, there are some good Black men and marriages BUT asked the woman - aren't you and aren't all of us glad that we now have a choice. That back in the day, women had to be married to have lives. They went to college to find a husband. Now we don't have to marry or have arranged marriages to have wonderful lives. And, then she repeated what she says so often, that she's got a perfectly wonderful Black man but it is her CHOICE not to marry. She did a show earlier in the year where she made a declaration that she would never marry because, as the theme of that show spelled out, a woman is in great danger of losing herself and her individuality - who she is -in a marriage.

No one on Friday's show mentioned the co-incidence that 70% of ofBlack children born out of wedlock - most, of course, fathered byBlack men. The only mention of children was by a concerned audiencemember to the effect that marriage was good for raising children. This remark was countered by Oprah with "we all know it takes avillage, a community, to raise children" - affirmed with muchapplause. No discussion or question was raised about how many of the70% of liberated, unmarried Black women were struggling single mothers or the correlations with out-of-wedlock birth rate. The staff is asleep at the wheel. This is evolution? This is what CHOICE is about?

I keep saying it's not just the lack of good information about marriage but the mis-information that's killing us. And, it's the media that provides the info and creates our combined cultural understanding of the benefits of marriage and understanding about why and how marriage succeeds or fails. I cannot understand why Oprah's staff would leave her out there dangling in the wind presenting such misleading information. Why they wouldn't her staff give Oprah an updated explanation of the 51% stat and, instead, just let her go on the air and look ignorant?! Or, with her strong concern about helping GIRLS, why wouldn't they give Oprah the overwhelming research on the benefits of stable marriages on the future health, happiness, and well-being of our girls and their children?! As I said, I'm baffled. Maybe the whole Marriage Initiative grant money should have gone to help Oprah's staff bone up on research. I'm convinced her show has more effect than all our programs combined.

And, WHY don't they book Diann Dawson, director of the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative and sponsor of plays, hip hop songs, and convener of research panels and think tanks on strengthening Black Marriage? Why don't they do a show on Nisa Muhammad's crusading effort to found Black Marriage Day - established in 2002 and now celebrated annually in cities all across the Country?? Nisa - as a working single mother of five kids decided we can turn the epidemic of out-of-wedlock births and struggling single mothers around - she decided to do something forALL women and children and she certainly deserves one of Oprah's Angel Network contributions. Or Rozario Slack and Nisa, creators ofthe Basic Training program for Black Singles and Couples. Give them a chance to teach the basics on the show. Give Rozario a platform to talk about the "marriageability" of Black men and give his "Message to Our Sons".

Or, speaking of THE SECRET, feature Kay Hymowitz and her book "Marriage and Caste in America" with it's clear and logical explanation of what the growing Marriage Gap is doing to our children- that the great divide in health, wealth and well-being boils down to who marries and who doesn't. Oprah should be teaching her audiencethe facts: Finish high school, marry before having a child, do not have a child until you are 20, and your chances of being poor are only 8 percent! That should be her mantra. And it's the real SECRET- the secret is NOT about positive, wishful thinking - about wishing on a star and hoping you'll attract good things. It's about having a "north star" plan by which you can organize your life to have it all - education, love, marriage, AND kids. Oprah needs to teach that doing things in the right order - in the right sequence -is THE SECRET. It's key. It's crucial. (For those of you that don't know Oprah has single-handedly put the book "The Secret" at the top of the charts and revived a Norman Vincent Peale 'positive thinking' frenzy.)

Or, when she does her shows about the sexual abuse of children (another Oprah crusade) her staff should help her present the research on how much more likely it is that children will be abused if they are not living with their biological father. The stats are overwhelming and make clear that we'd get much further in reducing sexual abuse by keeping daddies in the home than by putting predators in jail. It's true of Oprah's own story - she lived with her single-parent mom and was abused by a male relative.

This is all information that Oprah's audience desperately NEEDS.

I knew this front page NY Times article "51% Living Single" was going to have legs, but guess I wasn't aware of how far it would run us in the wrong direction. I thought with all the corrections and discussion in the press it would fade away. Now, having been amplified by the Oprah lens this MIS-information is now beamed into the brains of millions of young women around the planet. And, the horror is that it was presented in a celebratory manner: "evolution" - progress for women.
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For analysis of the NY Times article, in case you missed it here are just two: http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-January/003260.html http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2007-January/003263.html