Abstinence Education Explained: Answers to the Questions That Matter Most
- 7 days ago
- 9 min read
June 17, 2026
By Scott Phelps - Executive Director of A&M Partnership
1. Why is marriage part of the definition in abstinence education?
Well, this is a very important point, and this goes to the very center of everything that we do. I like to say marriage isn't part of our message, it's the heart of our message.
Marriage is at the very core of everything that we're teaching in an abstinence education program. And if marriage isn't at the center of your program, you're missing the boat completely.
If marriage is the safest, healthiest context for sexual activity to occur, how come you're not teaching that to kids?
That's why we believe it's central to the messaging.
Now, some examples of why this is important.
Without marriage as the center of your message, your message is subjective and incomplete.
For example, here is a quote from a book called "The Art of Loving Well," published by the University of Boston Press. It's an anthology with lots of good character stories in it. However, listen to what they say in the preface.
"The third theme is that sexual relationships are a big deal and should never be taken lightly. Momentary satisfaction outside the context of a mature and deeply intimate relationship usually results in someone getting hurt."
Hmm.
A mature and deeply intimate relationship, then, is their standard for sexual activity to occur.
What's the problem with that? The problem is it's highly subjective. It's fully, completely subjective. What does that even mean?
And if I'm talking to young people in high school, and I'm saying, "Hey, listen, make sure that you reserve sexual activity for a mature and deeply intimate relationship,"
can they have that? Can they think they have that?
Their response to that might be, "Yeah, we've been going out for three months. We're very much in love. We're going to get married someday."
It's not uncommon for high school students to believe that the relationship that they are in is mature and deeply intimate. Absolutely.
And so, if your abstinence message is don't have sex unless you have, what's the word, a mature and deeply intimate relationship, they might be like, "Yeah, check mark, I have that."
Your abstinence program has just green-lighted sex for those high school students. Do you see the problem there?
So, marriage is fundamental to the message that we're teaching our young people. It doesn't mean they have to do it, but they should have the opportunity to learn that the safest, healthiest option available to you is reserving all sexual activity for the context of marriage.
That's my job as an educator, is to teach that message clearly. It doesn't mean they have to do it, but they should get to learn about it, and they should learn about it with clarity.
2. The majority of America is not saving sex for marriage, so how is your abstinence message relevant?
I get this question a lot, actually.
And it's so weird to me because it seems like that's an argument in favor of a program rather than against it? In other words, the fact that most people aren't doing it doesn't mitigate against teaching it. It's for teaching it. It argues for teaching it.
If kids are doing failing in math class, do you just stop teaching math?
No. You redouble your efforts to make sure that you do a good job teaching math. You don't abandon it. It's the same thing here.
If kids haven't learned about the benefits of abstinence until marriage, you don't just stop teaching it. You do a better job teaching it.
When people tell me kids won't listen to an abstinence until marriage message, you tell me nothing about the kids, you tell me everything about yourself. What you're actually saying is, "I'm not smart enough to figure out how to teach this to my kids." That's what you're really saying. Because in my experience, kids respond extremely well to this message. They're hungry for it. They eat it up.
If you provide a clearly reasoned, positive presentation on the benefits of abstinence until marriage and instruction on preparing for a healthy future marriage, kids are like, "Give me some more of that stuff." They're looking for that.
And just because a lot of people aren't doing it is no argument against teaching it. It's an argument for teaching it.
3. Many parents are concerned that their students are receiving too much information regarding sex.
We completely agree with that. We think sex education has gone off the rails. So much of what is being pushed on our kids in classrooms, in schools in America is crazy stuff that has no place in the classroom.
We're absolutely dedicated to helping schools see an alternative way to talk to young people about these things. We don't need to be teaching them all kinds of crazy gender identity, sexual orientation, abortion. There are all kinds of topics that should be out of bounds in the classroom. What the public-school health education program should be about is what is the safest, healthiest option available for you when discussing sexual activity?
And the answer is abstinence until marriage.
Teaching young people to reserve all sexual activity for the context of marriage is factually, objectively provably the safest, healthiest option available. And schools should be focused like a laser beam in health class on communicating that message. They shouldn't be promoting contraception. They shouldn't be promoting alternative lifestyles. They shouldn't be doing all kinds of the crazy that they're doing right now.
What they should be teaching is, "Here's what is the safest, healthiest option for you. Let's help you learn what that is so that you can do that."
We believe that schools need to focus on that message.
4. "Students need to know all the information that's out there, otherwise they're just going to get their information from the internet." How do you respond to that?
Well, actually, that is the problem. Our kids are getting way too much information from the internet. They're getting so much information, most of it bad, that they don't even know where to begin.
They've got so many different inputs coming at them, on the internet, through social media, even in their classroom. There's a lot of information coming at our kids regarding sex and gender identity and sexual orientation, all this crazy stuff that they're just like, "I don't know how to make sense of it all."
We believe that what young people need is a clear message on the safest, healthiest option for sexual activity to occur, and that's in a marriage relationship.
It doesn't mean they have to do it, but they should get to learn about it. And we find that when we are able to provide young people with clarity in this area, they're like, "Oh, thank you. Thank you very much, by the way." Why? Because they're living in a very murky, gray, confusing world. When you provide clarity, it's a breath of fresh air—it's a bright yellow rope that they can grab onto in rough waters. They're like, "Oh, thank you for giving me clarity."
What is the clarity?
Choosing to reserve all sexual activity and childbearing for the context of marriage is factually, objectively, provably the safest, healthiest option available for you.
Again, you don't have to do it, but you should get to learn about it. And when you have the opportunity to learn about it, now you can actually do it, if you want.
So I'm a big fan of teaching young people abstinence until marriage, wedded to the success sequence, which teaches young people: get an education, get a job, and then marry before having children.
I think these two messages woven together are what our young people need to learn about. Follow the success sequence and wait until marriage for sexual activity and childbearing.
That's a very healthy message. It's a very rewarding message that when kids hear it, they're all about it. Yeah, they respond very well.
5. What about students who don't want to get married?
This is a great question because your program is teaching abstinence until marriage, and what about the kids that don't want to get married? What about them?
Well, that's a legitimate question, and the reality is there are some kids who don't want to get married, and so we address this very clearly. And what we say in our teaching of young people on the subject of abstinence until marriage is, "Hey listen, you may want to get married, you may not want to get married. People have different feelings, different thoughts, different opinions. And these different feelings, thoughts, and opinions do tend to change over time, so don't rule anything out. But it's totally okay if you're not thinking about getting married at this point."
What we want you to understand is that the message that we're communicating regarding abstinence until marriage has really good principles that can be applied to your life, whether you want to get married in the future or not.
Our programs are character-based. We're talking about respect, responsibility, self-control. Character qualities that are beneficial for everyone, whether you get married in the future or not.
So, the principles of abstinence until marriage apply to everyone, clearly. And so we're super clear in saying, "Hey listen, if you want to get married in the future, great. The things that we're teaching can really help prepare you for that. If you're not wanting to get married in the future, that's okay, too. These principles are still super helpful."
And you never know. Sometimes people who really want to get married don't, and people who don't really want to get married end up getting married. You just don't know.
So have an open mind, have an open heart, think through the principles that we're teaching very clearly because they can be super beneficial for you either way.
6. How can we be sure that our school is teaching abstinence education?
This is a very good question. It's really important to know what your school is teaching, and it's not enough to ask the question, "Hey, are you guys teaching abstinence?"
I don't believe there's a school in America that will say we don't teach abstinence. The question is, what does that mean?
Abstinence education properly taught is abstinence until marriage. And the reason why I say that is only then is it objective. If you're only talking about the term abstinence, that can mean a lot of different things, and many schools use it to mean a lot of different things.
It's not uncommon for a school to say that they teach abstinence while they're promoting a lot of other stuff that you don't want your kids to learn about. Abstinence until marriage is a clear, objective standard that we need to teach our young people.
And if you want to make sure that your school is teaching that message clearly, you need to ask to see what the material is that they're using. You need to be able to evaluate it for yourself and look to see, does it teach abstinence until marriage, or is it a typical sex education program that covers a lot of stuff you don't want your kids learning?
And yes, they've thrown in the word abstinence as a fig leaf to do a covering over the whole thing. So be careful.
Check with your school, ask to see the material, and make sure that it's something that you approve of for your students.
7. What about the kids who have already been sexually active?
This is a great question and one that I love to answer. So, I will address the question this way.
What is the safest, healthiest, best message for a student, middle school student or high school student, who's already been sexually active? It isn't to keep going.
It's important that we who are educators, parents, people who work with young people, understand that the best message for sexually active teens is, "You don't have to keep doing that." This isn't a message about what have you done in your past. It's a message about what will you do today and the decisions that you make going forward.
We find that young people who have been sexually active in the past find this message to be refreshing and helpful.
Do you know, years ago, they stopped doing this survey, but years ago, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy used to do a regular survey of teens, and it would ask them if they were sexually active and how they felt about their decisions going forward. And do you know that consistently year after year, about two-thirds of sexually active teens said they regret their decision. They wish they would have waited.
So, we understand that. We understand that teens who are sexually active tend not to be super excited about it, and they're looking for guidance, they're looking for help. They're looking for a pathway forward in life.
What we want to tell sexually active teens is, "Hey, listen. Just because you've already done some stuff doesn't mean you have to keep on doing that. Now that you have the opportunity to learn these things, you can make a new decision for your future."
And I'm telling you what, teens who have been sexually active who really hear and receive the abstinence until marriage message and get on a new track find it to be so refreshing and rewarding.
I love the opportunity to share this message with young people, and my experience is that they respond very well to this message, whether they've been sexually active in the past or not.
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